Blog Hop #2

Heather over at Open Adoption Bloggers  is hosting another Blog Hop in order to help connect people to new (and old) bloggers.

 The question everyone has been asked to answer is:

"Do you have a favorite quotation?"

I sure do, and I hope that lots of you will know what it means.  Leave your guesses in the comments!

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Be sure to check out all the other bloggers participating in the Hop!

Leibster Award

Jo-Ann at Punky Mama has bestowed upon me the illustrious Leibster Award.  Jo-Ann's blog about her journey with her 2 great boys, and occasional stories of life as a bar maid, has become a blog that I look forward to reading every day.  Luckily she indulges my need by posting every day!   Thank you Jo-Ann for giving me this wonderful award!

The Liebster Award is granted to up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging

The Rules:

1) You must thank the person who gave you this award.
2) You must display the Liebster heart on your blog. PROUDLY.
 3) You should nominate 3 to 5 up-and-coming blogs with fewer than 200 subscribers.
4) Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
5) Answer the questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you.
6) Create 11 questions for those you nominate to answer.
7) Notify your nominees and provide a link back to your post (no tag backs because the point is to try and highlight new bloggers and spread the support).

My questions:

1. Why do you blog? 

•  I started blogging as a way of staying in touch with my adoption-circle friends and soon found it was a great way to clear my head on different topics. Since then, I’ve come to really enjoy it so much that I actually have 4 different blogs! 

2. Coke or Pepsi? Whiskey or Vodka? All four? 

• Coke, but only Coke Zero. Whiskey, but I don’t mind Vodka on occasion 

3. What is your favourite site to waste time on the internet? 

• My current favourite site is Tribesports. I love the challenges that get me exercising every day and I love the encouragement I get.

 4. What is your guilty pleasure? 

• Reality TV shows – everything from Survivor to Sister Wives. But I don’t like the dancing/singing ones or the dating shows. 

5. What is your favourite cuisine? 

• Hmmmm.. I love almost all types of food, but one of my favourites would have to be Sushi. 

6. Night owl or early bird? 

• Neither! I love my sleep. I can be in bed by 10:00 every night and sleep through till 7:00 the next morning. I’m not pleasant to be around for the hour before bed or the hour after I wake up. 

7. Risk taker or rule follower? 

• I’m only a risk taker if I know that I won’t get caught. 

8. Tell us about your pets. 

• 5 cats ranging in age from 3 to 17, 3 of whom currently have FLEAS, pets I do not want in my house. I have an aquatic frog named George. His twin, Fred, died last year. And we have Gary the gecko for whom we keep a container of live crickets in the dining room. Sometimes I feel outnumbered. 

9. Where is the farthest you have travelled from home? Where is home? 

• Home is currently in Halifax, Nova Scotia Canada. The furthest I’ve travelled would be to the Dominican Republic for the one and only vacation I’ve ever been on. 

10. What recent events do you hope shape your future? 

• I knew there was going to be a tough question hidden in here! We have finally gotten all the paper work sorted out with the government declaring Liam's ADHD as a disability.  This will be a huge help on our taxes and increase the monthly child tax credit amount that we get.  That should shape our future nicely.

11. One word to describe you. 

• Cold... as in "I am always cold".  Doesn't bode well for someone who lives in Halifax!

11 things about me:

1. I bit my nails up until 3 years ago and then I just stopped
2. I'm very forgetful
3. Hilary says I'm tenacious, loyal and obtuse
4. I've only ever been on one vacation that didn't involve going to visit family
5. I used to teach therapeutic horse back ridding 
6. I learned to sign ASL as a teenager
7. I've been taking Tae Kwon-Do lessons for almost a year
8. When I get drunk I will only speak in French
9. I'm currently on a quinoa kick and would eat it with every meal
10. I am always cold
11. I can't/wont wear clothes to bed which is not at all compatible with #10

Bloggers I am nominating:

1. Luna from Life From Here. 
2. Jewmanista
3. Rebecca from Love is Not a Pie

And finally the 11 questions for my nominees:

1. Book or movie? 
2. What was your favourite childhood toy? 
3. Your life is going to become a script for a movie. Who would you want to play you? 
4.  Have you ever baked bread from scratch? Why or why not? 
5. What is the funniest thing you have ever done?
6. If price were no object, what would you want for your birthday? 
7. What’s your favourite plant? 
8. What countries have you visited?
9.  Zombiiiiiieesss are coming! They want your brains! What is your weapon of choice? 
10. What languages do you speak? If you could learn any, which would it be?
11. Favourite quote?

Blog Hop

Heather over at Open Adoption Bloggers has come up with another fabulous idea!  She is hosting a Blog Hop in order to help introduce folks to new bloggers.

The question everyone has been asked to answer is: "What is your favorite room/spot/piece of art in your home and why?"

My favorite piece of art in our house is a giant piece of paper that Liam and I painted when he was 3. I taped the paper to the floor, broke out the paints and let him go to town.  We painted our hands, drove cars and trains through blobs of paint and just had fun.  The paper is now stapled to the wall in our bedroom and I get to look at it everyday and remember that amazing afternoon.

Be sure to hop on over and check out all the other blog hop entries!

Day 30 - Policy and Politics

Policy and Politics. Do you consider yourself an “activist” of any sort? If so, what areas of policy and social justice are you most passionate about? What outlets of activism (petitioning, blogging, writing op-eds, fundraising, etc.) have you done or would like to do? What do you wish others would understand about causes that are important to you?

I don't really have anything to say on today's topic.  I don't consider myself an activist of any sort.  While I have many causes that I believe in and that I support, I don't have any get all "activist-y" about them.

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Well, I made it through NaBloPoMo, posting every day this month, sometimes even twice.  26 of the 30 days I even managed to blog about adoption, and I only 2 "throw away" type posts all month.  Not bad for my first attempt.  It's been a great exercise for me and I want to thank the amazing ladies over at Lost Daughters for providing such great and insightful prompts.

I certainly hope/plan to keep blogging, and I'm glad I got back to adoption topics.  I don't think I can keep up this intense frequency, but the month has certainly given me a lot to think about.

Day 29 - Culture Clash

Culture Clash. Have you ever experienced culture clash? If so, what kind of cultural clashes have you experienced? If you're an intercountry adoptee have you dealt with language barriers, different cultural values, or prejudice? If you haven’t experienced any of these things, what do you perceive to be differences in your adoptive culture and your natural culture and how do you reconcile those differences?

I was born to a low to middle income white family in a smallish town in southern Ontario.  I was a adopted by a middle income white family from the same town.  So not a whole lot of culture clash happening there.

My non-identifying information that my parents got when they picked me up from the adoption agency indicated that my birth father was French Canadian.  And so was my adoptive father.  I`ve always identified as being French Canadian as well, and I think that I do so partly because it gave me a connection to my birth family.

Something that I have often pondered has been how adoption affects an adoptees religious beliefs.  Born and raised in one family, you believe XYZ.  Adopted into another family and you believe ABC.  Most adoptions from my era followed fairly conventional religious sects. Christian born children were adopted into Christian families (although not necessarily the exact same religion) and Jewish born children went to Jewish families.  I was raised in the Catholic faith by my adoptive family, but would not have been Catholic had I been raised by Iris. I may have still believed in the same God, but would I have read a different bible, not believed in purgatory and not been able to pray to Saints of my choice? Now as an atheist, I wonder if any of those subtle differences even matter.  But it does make for some interesting "what if?" scenarios.

Day 28 - Reunion

Reunion. Are you reunited? Do you hope to be? Are you thinking of reunion but not quite ready? Are you just not interested in reuniting? What are your thoughts on reunion, the experiences you've already had in reunion, and your hopes for reunion in the future.

In 1999, a social worker for Ontario’s Children’s Aide department, opened a file, read a name, picked up the phone, called Iris and told her that her daughter wanted to be reunited with her.  I had originally applied for them to do this 10 years before hand.  Under staffing and an overwhelming response from adoptees when they first opened up the registry made for a very long wait to have them to spend 15 minutes reading a file and being able to reunite me with my birth mother.

Initially Iris wanted no contact with me at all.  Other than my birth father, no one knew of my existence.  That`s a pretty big secret to keep for 30 years.  Especially when I found out that my older sister still lived at home with Iris.  That fact was what complicated my reunion with Iris more than anything.  Iris eventually came around and decided to have contact with me via letters. But I could not, never ever, send anything to her house, in case Madelaine found it.  At first this was okay, because Iris was still working full time, even though she was in her 70s. Once Iris retired though, it became much more difficult to contact her, to the point that I no longer have any contact.

Reunion for me was not what I had hoped for.  Knowing that my very existence is a secret that must be kept at all cost has been difficult to accept.  I have since found out more information about why it may not be safe for Iris to tell Madelaine about me, and that makes it easier to understand, but it doesn`t make it hurt any less.

Day 27 - Diversity

Diversity. Adult adoptees are a minority group in surrounding society. Historically, we have been both small in size and limited in power. Our diversity as adoptees intersects with our other diversities in many ways. We here at LD are women. Many adoptees are people of color, gay/lesbian/pan/poly/bi, transgendered, differently abled, transracially adopted, etc. How do your elements of diversity intersect in adoption? What are the strengths you’ve found in your personal diversity? What are the challenges? What can you or have you learned from adoptees who are different than you are?

I'm about as non-diverse as they come... white, Canadian, middle class, my parents never divorced, I have a high school education, I speak English.  Sure I'm also a Lesbian, I speak French, and I identify with a French Canadian heritage.   But I don't feel that there is a lot of variety in my life that would give me personal diversity. 

I have had challenges in the past related to being a Lesbian.  I have been fired from jobs, lost friends and family and was denied family benefits at work.  But all of that was more than 20 years ago.  Today I'm very out in all areas of my life and can't think of the last time I encountered any issues with my being Gay.

The diversity that I see within groups of adoptees is between those who want to search and those who do not.  Often those two camps of people can be very diverse and can have difficulty understanding where each other is coming from.  This often leads to the labeling of the "bitter" or "angry" adoptee vs the "in denial" adoptee.  Over  the course of my adoption journey I have vacillated from one camp to the other, finally settling somewhere in the middle.  So maybe I do have some diversity after all.

Day 26 - Feminism

Feminism. As a female adult adoptee, how has the fact that you're adopted shaped you in terms of feminism and women's rights? Do you find the two related? If so, how? Explain.

I don't know if being adopted has shaped my views of feminism and woman's rights.  I believe in equal rights, equal pay for equal work, equality in politics and every other area of life.

I believe in a woman's right to control her own body.  I am very much pro-choice....now.  Growing up as a teenager, heavily influenced by religion at that time, I was very much pro-life.  And part of that I believe was influenced by being adopted.  I was only looking at things from a naive, teenage view and reading the propaganda that "adoption is the better option".

Age, maturity and life experience has taught me that this is not always the case and that the decision to continue a pregnancy or choose abortion has nothing to do with the decision to parent or place.

Day 25- Understanding

Understanding. How important is it to you that your friends and/or spouse can understand you and support you? Do you think they can ever really know what you're feeling and going through? How do you help them to understand things from your point of view? Do your friends and/or spouse seem interested in furthering the discussion? Do they read books, blogs, or otherwise educate themselves about adoption issues? Do you disagree about any of the fundamentals? Do you agree? Do you think that your relationship with that person has altered their view on adoption in general?

I don't think that it's important for others to understand my feelings and what I'm going through, since often I don't understand it, and can certainly not articulate it well.  What is much more important to me is their respect of my feelings, even if they don't understand them or agree with them.  Hilary and I have certainly had many discussions on my feelings and what I'm going through, especially around the time that I was first in contact with Iris.  Did she understand?  No, how could she?  I don't understand when she talks about growing up with divorced parents.  We support each other, we empathize and above all else, we are there for each other, but we can never truly understand that which we have not lived.

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." spoken by Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee

Day 24 - Love interrupted

Love: As an adult adoptee what are your thoughts on marriage, love, and family? What are your thoughts on sex before marriage and common law marriage? If you're an interracial adoptee do you think it matters of your partner is the same ethnicity as you are? Have you ever been in a relationship with another adult adoptee? If yes, what was that like? Was it harder or easier than other relationships you've had? If no, would you ever consider dating another adult adoptee? Do you think it would be easier or harder?

INTERRUPTED!

Today's adoption related post on love is interrupted by the need for my Love and I to go and watch a cheesy love story.

See you tomorrow!

Day 23 - Terminology

Terminology: What do you call your natural/first/birth/biological mother/father/family? Why? Are there different rules for different family members? What term(s) is not acceptable to you? How do you refer to them to others? If you're in reunion, do you introduce them the same way? How does your natural/first/birth/biological mother family feel about the term? Does it matter to them? What about your adoptive family? Do you use a qualifier when speaking about them? If not always but sometimes, when do you use it?

I have always used the term birthmother/father when I need to differentiate who I am referring to in conversation for my own parents. More often than not I will simply say “my mother Iris”, or just Iris, unless who she is unknown to the person with whom I’m speaking. On the other hand, I never use the term birthmother to refer to Liam’s Mom (see the difference even there… Mother vs Mom). If I have to use something to explain who she is beyond “Liam’s Mom”, or just her first name, I will use Liam’s First Mother. Of course the fact that Liam also lives with 2 mothers can cause all sorts of confusion! I go by Mama and Hilary goes by Mummy, and it’s all very clear to us, our friends and family and even Liam’s teachers, but beyond that people tend to get confused as to who is who. It’s rare that I have to use the qualifier “adoptive mom”. I just refer to her as Mom and assume that everyone knows who I’m talking about. If the conversation is about both my mother’s, than I might need to clarify things.

Even though Iris and I have reunited, I have never had the opportunity to introduce her to anyone else, so I’m not sure how I would handle that. I would probably just use her first name and leave it at that.


I really do hate it when people use the term birthmother for an expectant woman who might make an adoption plan for their unborn child. I hate it when people shorten birth mother to BM in forums or online. I hate the term “real” mother too. Not because it make me, the adoptive mother, feel not real. I’m not really sure why I hate it, it just doesn’t sit right with me.

Day 22 - Open Adoption

Open-Adoption. How was your adoption classified (open, semi-open, closed)? Do you think that the method of adoption made an impact on your views of adoption? Explain. Do you wish your adoption had been done differently? What are your thoughts on open adoption? Do you think that an adult adoptee will face some of the same issues as those in closed adoptions? Can reunion level the playing field? Explain.

I was adopted in 1970 at the height of adoption secrecy.  I don't think there was even the option of open-adoption, unless it was a kinship placement and everyone already knew each other.

Growing up in a closed adoption had a huge impact on my view of adoption when we were presented with the idea of adopting to grow our family. I very much wanted Liam to have an open adoption.  I wanted him to have a relationship with his mother, his siblings and his extended family. Alas, it has not turned out that way.  

I don't think that adoptees growing up in an open adoption will face the same issues that those of us from closed adoptions faced.  Some of if it simply the changes in society - adoption, be it closed or open, doesn't have the same secrecy and shame that it did when I was born.  And being in reunion with a virtual stranger, has got to be a whole lot different then having a lifetime of shared experiences with someone you grew up knowing.  

Other then in cases of safety for the child, I think open adoption is always the best option.  And even in cases of safety issues, there can be safe ways to maintain some level of contact and openness.  

Day 21 - Biology

Biology: According to science, we all inherit something from our natural families. If you are in reunion, are there any traits or characteristics you know you inherited? How does that make you feel? If you are not in reunion, what do you hope to share with your natural family? How important is genetics to you personally?

When  I got the first letter from Iris, my birth mother, that contained photos, I was so very excited. Would I finally look at a picture of someone else and see my eyes, my nose, any bits of me?  I was disappointed that I did not see any of myself in either Iris or my older half sister Madelaine.  Iris later commented on pictures of me that I sent her that I looked more like my father than like her.  However, I don't have any pictures of him, so I'll never be able to see myself reflected in someone else.

I don't think that genetics is all that important to me.  Sure I would love to have my medical genetic history, but after 40+ years of not being able to answer doctor's questions, I've gotten used to not having it.  Many adoptees talk about their longing and connection to having their own children, to finally having someone that they are genetically related too in their lives.  I have never felt that need, which is probably obvious from the fact that I became a mother through adoption.

Day 20 - Jealousy

Jealousy. Nobody’s perfect and sometimes we become jealous of other people (just as others become jealous of us). Has a non-adopted person told you they were jealous of you? If so, how did that make you feel? How did you respond? If you are in reunion, has jealousy come into play at all? For example, if you have siblings, have they expressed jealousy about a difference in lifestyle? Are you jealous of them? How do you handle this? If you are not in reunion, do you harbor any jealousy toward anyone? If not, why do you think that is?

I  really do hate it when non-adopted people tell me they are jealous and wished they were adopted too.  They don't understand the consequences of what they are wishing for.  I try to correct them, but they often down't want to hear it and pishaw what I say as silly ramblings of someone who must be bitter about something, since adoption is ALWAYS rainbows and unicorns.

In reunion I have had brief moments of jealousy that my sister Madelaine was not put up for adoption and got to grow up with our mother.  But knowing all the things I know now about her life and her struggles, I am no longer jealous.

I'm often jealous of non-adopted people for little things:  siblings that look like, shared ancestral knowledge, being able to answer simple medical questions.

Adoption apparently breeds jealousy on many fronts.

Day 19 - I got nothin

Today's writing prompt was about adoptee writers.  While I do read many adoptee blogs, and I've read a few books by adoptee's, I just don't have it in me to post about this tonight.  Tae Kwon Do kicked my butt, parenting is HARD and I'm going to enjoy my cup of Rooibos tea and head to bed.

Day 18 - Siblings

Siblings: Do you have siblings in your adoptive family? Were they also adopted or not? What was your relationship like in regards to adoption? If you are in reunion, did you find siblings as part of your search? How you been affected by your sibling relationships? If you searched and found siblings, and had adoptive siblings, what has that been like? If you don’t have siblings, have you found any benefits to being an only child?

I grew up as an only child and was always so VERY jealous of people with siblings.  I was drawn to TV families with large sibling groups - The Walton's, The Brady Bunch, 8 is Enough.  To me, they were the ideal families.  

I was always aware of the fact that I had a sister who lived with my birth mother.  She was 6 years old when I was born.  Oh the fantasy life I led with this mystery sister who didn't even have a name.

When I reunited with Iris, my birth mother, I found out that I also had 4 1/2 siblings on my father'side, something I had never considered.  The only reason I had never considered this possibility was that Iris had told the adoption agency that she was widowed.  I have no contact and no information on these 4, other than they were in their 20s when I was born putting them all in the 60s now.  I do know that one is named Carol and is a lesbian, but that is all that I know.

Liam is growing up knowing that he had  siblings living with his Mom. He knows their names and when their birthdays are, but that is all the information we have.  We talk of them often and he would very much like to meet them and have a relationship with them.  Otherwise he too is growing up as an only child.

And our last sibling/adoption connection lies with Hilary.  She has just reunited with an older half sibling who was placed for adoption 9 years before she was born.  They continue to get to know each other now that they have had the chance to meet.

Day 17 -Adoptee Connections

Adoptee connections: Did you know many adoptees growing up? Do you know more now? How have adoptee friendships (online or in-real-life) impacted your experience? How do you generally make adoptee connections?

At every stage of my life I've had friends, family and acquaintances who were also adopted. 

• Out of 10 kid in my elementary classes, 2 of us were adopted
• My parent's best friend was adopted, as was her sister, so I had a grown up adoptee to turn to when I needed to
• I babysat 2 kids who were adopted - this one bothered me the most because the boys (ages 7 and 10ish) had not been told they were adopted, even though 2 of their aunts are the woman in my point above. I very much wanted to tell them about their past, but 13 year old me had sense enough not to do that!
• At one point in my working career there were 4 of us that worked in a small office area - 3 were adoptees and 2 of us were adoptive parents
• My current group of 12 coworkers has 3 adoptees in it
• In my adoptive family I have 6 cousins who were also adopted
• We recently found out and reconnected with Hilary's older 1/2 brother who was placed for adoption when he was born
• I've made many online connections through blogs and forums with other adoptees
• One of our best friends is an adoptee
• Other good friends of our recently adopted
• Even my own kid is adopted!

Day 16 - Knowledge About Your Adoption

Knowledge About Your Adoption Some adoptive parents share more than others for various reasons. How much of your adoptive parents’ story shared with you? If they shared details about your adoption, how did that make you feel? If they did not, do you wish they had? Did your parents share with you why they choose to adopt? Did they share that story with others in your life? If so, did it affect you in any ways?

I've mentioned before that one of the best things my parents ever did was tell me about my adoption from before I was old enough to remember and always shared everything they knew with me.  Well.... almost always.

When I was 12 I asked my mom to get my non-identifying info (since that was all that was available to me). She wrote for it and got it back within 6 months, but didn’t give it to me till I was 30. Her reason, I never asked her for it again. And the reason I never asked for it again was that I trusted her to give it to me when it arrived.

I always knew that my mother couldn't have children.  She had several miscarriages after they adopted me, and I remember her being in the hospital or home sick on the couch when I was quite young. They never made me feel like adoption was a second choice or that I was the "replacement" child for the one they couldn't have on their own.

Day 15 - The Unexpected

The Unexpected:  Is there an area of your life that most people would not suspect has been affected by your adoption in which being adopted has been an issue? How do you handle that area when discussing with other people?

  

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 I skipped the Day 14 prompt as I didn't really have anything to say on it and I already had 2 posts scheduled for the 19th for my Daring Kitchen Challenge and the Adoption Blogger interview.

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I was struggling with what to write for this prompt, so I read it aloud to Hilary who was in another room.  She's very good at dead-pan humour and shouted back to me "It made you gay."  Which made me snort and spit things all over the laptop screen.

But it did get me thinking about my adoption/gay connection.  It is an area of my life that has an adoption connection, thought I wouldn't say that it has been "affected" by my adoption.   And most people do not suspect the connections.

The connections, you see, come from both my first family AND my adoptive family.  I could be the poster lesbian for the nature vs. nurture debate of what causes gayness.

In my adoptive family, I grew up with 2 uncles, both only 8 and 10 years older than I am, that are both gay.  I was very close them when I was growing up and even hung out in gay bars and parties with them before I self-identified as a lesbian.

In my first family, I have a 1/2 sister on my father's side who is also a lesbian. While I have never met her, we do share DNA.

So did either of these connections cause me to be a lesbian?  I don't think so, I think they are much more coincidental.  If I were straight, we would never even consider the conversation: "Well I have 2 straight uncles and my 1/2 sister was straight, so that must be why I am."

I don't think anything cause me to be a lesbian.  It just is who I am. But it does make for an interesting conversation about unexpected adoption connections.

Day 13 - You & Adoptee Rights

You & Adoptee Rights. Do you have access to your OBC? If you do, have you gotten yours yet? What did that mean to you? If you haven't, what's stopping you? If you don't have access, how does that directly affect you (if at all)?

I don’t have my original birth certificate (OBC) and I’ve never really had any desire to get it (and I’m not ever sure if I can or not). I don’t know if it’s because my birth certificate doesn’t list parents on it; it’s just an oversized credit card like laminated piece of paper that lists my (adoptive) name, my date of birth and the date my birth was registered. That was one thing that I always thought was a bit hinky as a kid. The registration date is a full year after my date of birth. What I didn’t understand as a kid was that that was the date that this birth certificate, with my adoptive name, was issued, after my adoption was finalized.

I know that having their OBC is a big deal for a lot of adoptees, but it’s not for me. Nor is it for any of the other adoptees that I know in real life. Maybe that’s a Canadian/American difference? I don’t really know. I don’t see my birth certificate as a lie, or a cover up. It is simply a matter of record of who I am. I am not Colleen Wilson, though that was my name for the first 6 weeks of my life.

I don’t often have to use my birth certificate for ID anymore, but if I did, I would not want it to somehow indicate on there that I had been adopted, something that I’ve seen some adoptees advocate for. Sharing whether or not I was adopted is something that I should have the choice to do, and not be something that was communicated every time I signed up for swimming lessons as a kid. I also don’t think that I would want/be able to use my original birth certificate, with my original name, as it is no longer valid.

Birth certificates are certainly an area of adoption that can be complicated, but I don’t think people should tie their identity into a government issued piece of paper.