The book tour offers us the chance to ask other readers questions on the book and then to go to their blogs to engage in discussions with them on their answers. So read on to see the 3 questions that I have answered and then follow the link at the end to find all the other participants.
- There are a great deal of behavioral issues that Verrier attributes to the Primal Wound of being separated from ones birthmother and subsequently adopted. These range from acting out and testing the adoptive parents, to becoming detached, to future inabilities to maintain healthy relationships as an adult. To the adoptees, I'm curious if you identified with any of these traits and to the adoptive parents, if you witnessed any of them in your child(ren)? Further, if you answered "yes", do you think your adoptive parents would agree that you have these traits as well?
Personally, I do not identify with any of the traits from the book. I've been in a wonderful, loving, healthy relationship for 16 years now. I have a wonderful group of friends and I've never felt that if I don't hear from them for X amount of time that they are going to abandon me. I'm still friends with people that I went to high school with a million years ago.
The only time I ever recall "testing" my adoptive parents would have been when I was about 6 or 7. My mom and I had a fight about something and I pulled the classic adoptee line "well you aren't my real mother anyway, so you can't make me!" I don't remember what my mom's reaction was or what even happened after that. I wasn't testing her to see if she would continue to love me, but I was looking to hurt her so I went for the low blow.
I was neither an acting out teen or a compliant teen that the book categorizes adoptees as. I was pretty typical compared to my non-adopted friends. I went to the occasional party I wasn't supposed to, I tried cigarettes and alcohol and I also hung out with my mom while we shopped together.
I told my mom about the book and this book tour. She's never read it and doesn't have any desire too. When I shared some of the author's observations with her and asked her if she thought I had any of these traits, she just laughed and said Hell No! She thinks I was a pretty "normal" teenager and that yes, my adoption played a big part in who I am, but she doesn't think that I was "wounded".
I would have to agree with her on that one.
The only time I ever recall "testing" my adoptive parents would have been when I was about 6 or 7. My mom and I had a fight about something and I pulled the classic adoptee line "well you aren't my real mother anyway, so you can't make me!" I don't remember what my mom's reaction was or what even happened after that. I wasn't testing her to see if she would continue to love me, but I was looking to hurt her so I went for the low blow.
I was neither an acting out teen or a compliant teen that the book categorizes adoptees as. I was pretty typical compared to my non-adopted friends. I went to the occasional party I wasn't supposed to, I tried cigarettes and alcohol and I also hung out with my mom while we shopped together.
I told my mom about the book and this book tour. She's never read it and doesn't have any desire too. When I shared some of the author's observations with her and asked her if she thought I had any of these traits, she just laughed and said Hell No! She thinks I was a pretty "normal" teenager and that yes, my adoption played a big part in who I am, but she doesn't think that I was "wounded".
I would have to agree with her on that one.
- How are the observations made in the book the same or different from the adult adoptees actual experiences?
My experiences are quite different from what is observed in the book. The author seems to believe that every adoptee is wounded (to various degrees) and that we all have to come to terms with that and accept it in order to move on. And for those of us who don't believe we were wounded and don't feel that we have anything to accept she labels us as being in denial of our primal wound. Kind of a no-win situation there. I have never experienced problems with maintaining relationships or friendships. I do not feel that I will be "annihilated"
My concern with the observations in the book is that they were all made after interviewing adoptees who had sought out therapy, be it adoption related or not. There was no control group of adoptees interviewed who were not at a point of their life that required therapy. I believe the observations would have been very different if the pool of adoptees had been broader. I don't deny that many adoptees do feel some sort of "Primal Wound". I just don't believe that it applies to all of us, not even when using a spectrum where some are severely damaged and some only slightly.
- As a birthmother, my overwhelming stance towards this book was, (until completion that is) very defensive. It hurt to have to read about the pain I've inflicted upon my daughter, and my initial reaction was to criticize the book's thesis and deny that any part of it could be found in my personal story. Did others (adoptive parents, adoptees and birthparents alike) have this same reaction? If so, was your opinion changed by the end of the book?
I guess it's time for a confession. I didn't finish the book. I couldn't bring myself to finish the book. I made it to page 156 (of 222) and just could not go on. I also could only read it in short bursts, taking a break from it that sometimes lasted a couple of days. I too was defensive - How dare this woman think that I have any of these issues? Sure some adoptees might have a "Primal Wound". Yet statements like "these issues center around separation and loss, trust, rejection, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy , loyalty and mastery of power and control..." have nothing to do with who I am or what I believe about myself.
None of this means that I think adoption is all ponies and rainbows. There is loss, there is sadness. I've talked many times about my own experiences. I simply do not believe that I was so wounded by being separated from my birthmother at birth that it has shaped and influenced every facet of my life since then.
So I guess to answer the question, No, my opinion of the book did not change as I read through it. I think the book can be a good insight for what some people may feel, but I worry that people will try to apply the book's thesis to all adoptees.
None of this means that I think adoption is all ponies and rainbows. There is loss, there is sadness. I've talked many times about my own experiences. I simply do not believe that I was so wounded by being separated from my birthmother at birth that it has shaped and influenced every facet of my life since then.
So I guess to answer the question, No, my opinion of the book did not change as I read through it. I think the book can be a good insight for what some people may feel, but I worry that people will try to apply the book's thesis to all adoptees.
To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
16 comments:
"these issues center around separation and loss, trust, rejection, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy , loyalty and mastery of power and control..."
This has always been a big part of my problem with the whole Primal Wound theory (although I haven't read it.) First of all, I don't think it's helpful--if you're permanently and irrefutably damaged by something beyond your control and there's nothing your loving parents, friends, partner, or children can do about it, then why should you bother to try?
But also, I have struggled with the above issues frequently, especially when I was a teenager, and I was raised by my birth parents. Lots of people have those issues, and if you look for them in any given population, you will find them. Especially, as you point out, Andy, a population of people who are seeking therapy. Actually, I wonder what percentage of people in therapy are there to deal with one or more of the issues listed above. I'll bet it's high.
Further to your points, Andy, and yours RMF, when she mentions the "acting out" of adoptees - what child/teenager at some point DOESN'T act out? I mean, yes, like you said Andy, you can play the adoption card if you want(meaning for the low blow) but all the same behaviors are most likely to be found in any teen testing their boundaries.
Very interesting point about the control group. I was so curious to read the adoptee's point of view. Also, I had to wonder how much of this could be the cart leading the donkey (is that right? i never get expressions right) :) For example, as a birthmother, by the end of the book I felt like a victim, when, to be honest, I've never really felt that way before. And I could imagine that an adoptee could feel more "damaged" after reading about all the terrible pain they're supposed to be in, when maybe they didn't really grow up like that.
I just wanted to comment about your statement about defensiveness and inability to finish the book.
For me, when I am defensive about something, its because I am not ready to really look at it.
And for me, I was not able to address or even admit to my adoptee issues until I was 45 and after several life events knocked me out of my denial about it.
your perspective is really interesting. I thought there were some broad overgeneralizations and I think you're right about the group studied. that said, I'm sure there are some who share that experience. thanks for sharing your views here.
"My concern with the observations in the book is that they were all made after interviewing adoptees who had sought out therapy, be it adoption related or not. There was no control group of adoptees interviewed who were not at a point of their life that required therapy."
Believe it or not, I had never thought of this, that the pool was not a very representative sample of all adoptees.
Thank you so much for wearing your adoptee hat while reading this. What you say here is a comfort to adoptive parents like myself (and yourself?) in that the primal wound is may not be absolute in all cases.
That brings up life stages and the need to process different things at different times perhaps.
I do think there are certain times in your life where you are more reflective or more growing and times you may be more outwardly focused on marriage or raising a family. Some people go through their whole life without being very contemplative.
But like all of psychology its hard to have a double blind objective sample. Twins separated at birth? Then the sample size is so small it can be discounted.
Have you seen the Donaldson study?
Andy,
you should consider yourself very lucky to not have the issues that many of us adoptees have had. Maybe your mother should write a book on how to raise an emotionally healthy adopted child.
The issues a lot of us adoptees have faced in this book, came up long befor the teen years. Being a teenager has nothing to do with it.
I personally felt acknowledged and validated by this book. These issues, as difficult as it is to read them are real. I think "The Primal Wound" is just to make adoptive parents aware that these issues may arise with your child and how to handle them if they do.
As parents, bio or adoptive, we don't know what we are going to get with our children. Every one processes things differently. Even if you are doing everything right, these issue may still come up with your child. If they do you can correct what you are doing and seek professional advice asap.
Interesting take.
Although I did not always feel this way, I do now believe adoption separation in those first 18 mons of life, does create a developmental delay. There may also be trust and emotional issues related to that loss, but I believe that is a separate thing.
Your post sort of made me think about this super kid I saw on the local news last week. He had a leg removed when he was around 15 mons old, but at 12 he is positive, very active in sports and does very well. When interviewed he did not seem to feel that the loss of his leg was a big deal. He did not see it as a barrier to anything he wanted to try. Really I believe he had simply adapted so well, that how he moved, minus the leg, was now natural and normal for him. I am willing to bet though, that sometimes something is difficult to do for him, and he is taken back to the place of knowing and feeling that leg is missing. In my experience not talking about or thinking about something is also a coping method. Loss is undeniable, but ways of coping are individually definable. While I would not want anyone to live in the middle pain of loss every day, I DO think it does a person good to acknowledge it from time to time, and remind yourself that it is just one part of your unique experience.
Thanks so much for sharing Andy and reminding us the outcome of adoption is not predictable.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective here. I am an adoptee that has always seen myself as someone who has no lasting scars from being adopted and viewed myself as lucky. I knew I had/have huge issues with self esteem and interacting with others and had no idea really where those difficulties came from although over the years I've sort of tried to explain them away by other causes. Reading the book was sort of startling to me because so much of the compliant child sounded so much like me. It's good to hear someone say, "Nope, I'm ok." Makes me feel like I wasn't totally off base in my beliefs in being ok about being adopted.
I also would like to comment to RMF's second paragraph. Yes. In many ways this book left me feeling like I was irreparably broken. If the damage is permanent and beyond my control how can it ever be fixed. I so understand what your point is there.
Hi Andy,
I was drawn to the PW Book Tour because a first mother whose writings I enjoy is a contributor (or will be, her piece is scheduled to go up the 15th). I'm an adult adoptee and have been interested in the phenomenon of the Primal Wound as a theory for years. So many adoptees embrace it as a resonant narrative, and so many others, like you, do not.
I found out I was adopted at the age of thirty-six, and I read The Primal Wound from that perspective, as someone who did not have a life time of consciousness about my adoption. Presumably if the PW was a global condition of infant adoption, then I would have manifested the syndrome had I know I was adopted or not. I had a happy childhood, a rough adolescence, a troubled young adulthood, and by the time I found out I was adopted I was married with three kids (I'm still married and still have three kids...). I suppose the bottom line is that the narrative of the PW wasn't compelling to me. It didn't answer the questions I had about myself.
For some, it does. I know a lot of adoptees that have self-diagnosed themselves with it. I think the PW has become an article of faith among some adoptees rather than a theory. I mean, I've literally been asked if I believe in the PW like heretics used to be asked if they believed in the transubstantiation of the Host...
At any rate, it's good to read your blog, and the comments. Glad to hear you're in a stable relationship :)
I'm glad you read the book and participated in the book tour. It's refreshing to hear from an adult adoptee who had a different experience than the adoptees interviewed for the book. After reading the book as a prospective adoptive parent, if you don't keep some perspective about where it fits in the grand scheme it could definitely scare you away from adoption.
I'm not sure I understand the purpose of reading and commenting on a book if you didn't actually finish the book. You did state that you couldn't finish the book and that you were defensive, yet went on to answer the question asking about noticeable changes after you finished the book. You did not finish the book, so why create an answer? I'd like to read your response after you actually finish the book.
First of all I'd like to say that all those issues mentioned, inability to connect, acting out, etc... I also went through and as a result spent years in therapy. I am NOT adopted. I feel that there are a lot of people that go through these issues and it may or may not have anything to do with being adopted. As always, when one has difficulties in one's life, it's nice to have an answer, but I think it's naive to think and a disservice to adoptees to provide this as the only answer. I can only imagine the emotional issues of children being raised by parents that are ill-equiped or not ready to be parents.
As a now well adjusted and happy adult, I feel that my journey to find myself will one day help my adopted child. But I also realize, and am happy to hear, I may not have to. I think that every person is different and as an adoptive parent, my primary concern is for my daughter to happy, well-adjusted and simply be herself. As a biological parent, I would have had expectations of my child to be "like" me or "like" my husband. She will have so much more freedom to be herself, hey, I think that's a positive thing.
Thank you Andy for sharing your perspective.
I applaud Andy's bravery and honesty.
Seems to me that throughout PW, the word "is" should be replaced by "can be." Adoption "can be" the explanation for the questions of many, but "is" every adult adoptee damaged material? And is adoption THE reason, the ONLY reason aN adult adoptees can become messed up?
And yes, if one is damaged goods, why would the adopted adult even try to self improve? Why would an adoptive parent attempt to provide his or her child a loving home and a stable life?
I have not read Primal Wound, which certainly opens me to scrutiny. But within my closest relatives, two were adopted, the second are adoptive parents, and the third is a first mother. from these perspectives, I see that adoption "can be" the explanation for some. But it "is" not for all. In fact, for some, adoption may be the very reason for their greatness.
I also agree with the suggstion that if the sample in the book is people who had sought therapy, from a statistical standpoint, that is a skewed, not a random, sample. When my husband was struck with a debilitating illness, I found a support group for people with the same illness. Looking around at the wheel chairs, walkers and canes, I was discouraged by what the future had in store for my husband. Until a wise friend said "if they are in a support group, they don't represent all with this disease. They represent those who suffer the worst affects and *need* support.
Perhaps this is the same with the adoptees who seek therapy.
(Note: we have a wheel chair, walker and variety of canes for sale. Cheap.)
As for Andy, her reaction could be defensiveness, or even denial. But it could also be like that time I tried on a pink and purple paisley dress ... Even if it was the right size, I was never, EVER going to wear that dress!
I do greatly appreciate this forum and enjoy the many intellignet "stops" on the book tour.
An interesting perspective and comments!
I haven't read the book nor am I directly impacted by adoption (although I have a DE daughter) so a bit of an ignorant comment here . . .
I think that our life experience is so much more that our birth and very early experience (although I could understand there being some impact). It is comforting to some to find one thing to pin life's challenges on, but I don't think it is fair or accurate.
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