Thursday, January 7, 2010

Open Adoption Roundtable # 12

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

A number of bloggers have written about their open adoption resolutions or hopes for the coming year, but Debbie gets credit for suggesting it as a roundtable topic. And a great suggestion it is! Open adoption is all about relationships, after all. Most every relationship can benefit from periodically taking a step back and thinking about emotional or practical changes we'd like to make as we care for others and ourselves.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices--how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

Liam's adoption:

With the lack of openness that we have my resolution this year may sound odd. I am resolving to NOT be proactive in the area of open adoption this year. I cannot make "K" respond to us. I cannot force her be a part of Liam's life. There is nothing that I can do that is proactive that will help the situation. More likely I would end up making it worse. If she is not in a place in her life that she can embrace open adoption, then my pushing, cajoling, asking, begging or pleading isn't going to magically fix that. It will just end up pushing her further away.

So I will continue along without trying to change things. Our door will always be open to her. We will continue to send updates and pictures. We will welcome her with open arms when she is ready.

My reunion with my first mother:

Another area of my life that lacks openness! But my resolution for this relationship is different. I want to be proactive this year in seeking out more openness. Again, I can't force Iris to do anything. But I want to be much more up front with her on how her choices affect me. How not telling the daughter she parented (and who still lives at home with her) is hard on me. How being a secret and not allowed to send or receive emails, phone calls or letters from her can be emotionally draining. How all this secrecy makes me wonder every day if she is even still alive. How I would very much like to know my 1/2 siblings on my father's side.

So here's to 2 very different resolutions for 2010!


Anonymous said...

Good luck with both of them!!

It's interesting, because my first instinct to the question was, "Psh, I resolve to NOT be proactive!"

Because for me, my ultimate goal this year is to not be the only one initiating I had to look at how I was going to create an environment that Dee would be more willing to approach.

I like your method better, but since Dee has the ultimate carrot of our daughter (and I hope you understand that I'm NOT insinuating Cupcake is just a carrot!! You know I suck at analogies, haha!) I figure I've gotta come up with SOMETHING....

Anyway, this is getting long-winded, but I think your plans are great, and I hope Liam's first Mom comes around to see what an amazing little boy he is - and how great his Moms are :)

luna said...

I also hope liam's first mom comes around, eventually.

that must be so hard on you with iris too. I hope you make some progress there.