Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What happened at the library

When I was on vacation this summer I visited the city that I grew up in. It is also the city that my birth mother lives in and the city where my adoption was done. So I took the opportunity to scan the microfiche for the city's newspaper in search of my birth father's obituary. I have 3 pieces of information about him:

  1. His first name is Ken

  2. He was married and had 4 children, one of whom is named Carole

  3. He died on March 31, 2001

It's not a huge city by any means, so I figured that this was enough info to find an obituary. I had no clue what I would do with it if I did find it! (You can read my thoughts on this from before I went here. ) Alas, after scouring the days before and after March 31, I found nothing. No men of the right age, with a name or circumstance that were even close.

Now what?

I find myself thinking more and more about my father's family, especially my half-siblings. I grew up as an only child, so the idea that I have 5 siblings brings so many mixed emotions. They are all older then I am; some would be in their 60's now. Do they know about me? Did they suspect that their father was having an affair? How will they react when they do find out? Will the hate me because I represent their father's transgressions, or will they welcome me into the fold?

As with most adoptees who wonder and search, I also wonder on the medical side of things. Seeing so many friends getting breast cancer diagnoses lately makes me even more nervous about my lack of medical history. What do these people know that I don't? Do they know that we are all prone to diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure so they take preventative measures to keep themselves safer? I've had to live my life on the assumption that I *might* be prone to everything and anything.

Since I didn't find anything at the library, I can't move forward on this right now. Sure, I could hire a private investigator, dig through the Internet or enlist the help of a search angel. But something is holding me back from doing any of that. The fear of the unknown and the risk of rejection are two big motivating factors for inactivity.

and yet................ I really want to meet them.

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