Tuesday, May 27, 2008

At peace

It's been about a year since we were last actively TTCing. And even though I knew the odds were WAY against conception (we were shipping human sperm in a horse specimen box across country borders - not exactly a well documented or scientific process) it was still hard each time it didn't work.

I had a hard time letting go of the idea of being pregnant. Of not looking at the round bellies in the office and dissolving into a puddle of tears in the bathroom. Of choosing the longest path possible through the mall so that I wouldn't have to go past the maternity clothes store. Of avoiding friends because they were expecting.

Yet, slowly, over time, I've made the realization that these things don't bother me, at least not nearly as much. I still can't watch the commercial for Malteser chocolate, where the guy places a candy on the very pregnant girl's belly and the baby kicks, making the candy fall.

I have realized that I am very content with my life just as it is today. I have an amazing partner and we are Mums to an amazing kid. Sure, if there was such thing as a stork and it wanted to drop a little bundle of joy from the sky to my arms, I would be happy. But I don't NEED that to be happy, because I already am.

Cleaning out the attic has been a pivotal point for me. 80% of what was stored in there was Liam's baby clothes, crib sheets, toys, receiving blankets etc. We had kept everything because we fully expected to have another baby. And for the last year, the attic has been haunting me. Just the thought of going through the clothes and getting rid of them was enough to start the tears flowing. It was just so final. As long as this stuff was there, I could at least pretend that there might be another baby one day. So when Hilary gently suggested it a few weeks ago, I was very surprised when I said "Sure" and didn't feel any major sadness/panic/anxiety. We had a great time going through all of the clothes, remembering where they came from and Ooohing and Aaahing over the cuteness of them all. Hilary was the more sentimental of the 2 of us in deciding which ones to keep.

I guess time does heal all wounds. Looking back I know that I needed that grieving period, grieving for the idea of something that wasn't meant to be. Grief and healing have their own timeline, and there was nothing I could have done to move it along any faster.

And now I am at peace.
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