Be warned, this is a rambly type post that may or may not make any sense!
"Andy....I read this post and I go, "Those are my parents." They'd want Cupcake back in a second. And I think it keeps me from telling them....."
Thanksgivingmom's comment has been rattling around in my head for the last few days. It highlighted something for me that I have struggled to put into words. I live in the unusual position of seeing and processing adoption from 2 sides. By no means do I think that I'm unique. There are other adoptees out there who have formed their own families through adoption. But I do think we are in the minority.
The struggle I'm having is looking at my own adoption and and Liam's and seeing them from 2 different and contradictory view points. If I look just at my own, I see no reason for having been adopted (social stigma of the unwed mother of the 1970's aside), I've had many times when I felt that being "returned" to my first family would have been the right thing to do. Not that I don't love my parents and wanted to leave them. I just felt that I should never have been put in that situation in the first place. And a part of me wanted my parents to take the moral higher ground and give me back.*
The me who is an adoptive mom starts having breathing problems at the idea of having to give Liam back. I can't even think about it. And that leads me to trying to empathize with all the first moms out there. I can't even think about it and they're actually living it. Then I look at his specific adoption and I also see no reason for him to have been adopted. I think that if I knew then what I know now I would have advocated for "K" to keep him and helped her overcome the obstacles that she felt were in her way. But maybe I can only say that, not because of what I know today, but who I am. Today I am a mother. Back then I was not, and I wanted to be one. If I were not a mother today, could I overcome my selfishness in order to help keep a family together? I want to think I could.
So I'm torn. I would not say that I am anti-adoption, but more that I am pro-family preservation. That is a hard place to be, especially when you have to try to explain it to people. How can I be adopted (and therefore should be thankful for being "rescued", "taken in", "given to a good family" say the people outside the world of adoption) and how could I have adopted my son and not think adoption is all rainbows and unicorns? Shouldn't I believe that adoption is the solution to so many problems?
The thing is I don't. I might have once upon a time, but reading and talking and learning over the last 7 years has given me a new point of view. I believe that children should stay with their first families whenever possible. And I don't think "impossible" reasons are money, location, age or marital status. Young unmarried woman who don't make gobs of money and live in a small apartment can and SHOULD raise their babies. Adoption is a long term solution to what is often a short term problem. We just need to give them help and support.
* up to a certain time, and I have no clue what that time is... if my first mother had asked for me back at 1 week, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years? The theory of this sounds all very easy, but the emotions and bonds don't make it easy at all. Is there really a right thing to do there? No matter what, someone is getting hurt - who should decide who that should be?
9 comments:
Andy,
Great post. Great, great post. Although I am not an adoptive parent, I do straddle both sides of the 'adoption fence' and like you, I struggle with coming to terms with two very different emotions and making them make sense.
What you said makes sense to me - I've had similar conflicting experiences and it's hard
Not to confuse you anymore than I already have, but here's the next part that I was maybe too afraid to say:
There's a part of me that wishes I had told them because I know they would have made me get Cupcake back.
But I can't go there - that's TOO much - I can't change the past and we are where we are.
So telling them NOW perhaps isn't so much about them trying to get her back, but the combination of that AND of me wanting to give into that feeling as well....
I don't have the dual perspective that you and Brandy have - so granted, I can't understand the conflicting experiences that way - I'm not even sure how we all can sometimes survive the conflicting thoughts that can come from being on just one side of the triad!
But if rambly (and wonderful) posts help get you there - I'm looking forward to keep reading them!
Andy, I believe in family preservation, too, but child development is a factor here, too. What would it mean to a four-year-old to be taken from her home? I believe the law in the US is that after the child is 2, the decision defaults to the custodial parents (assuming the child has been with them from birth.) Because once that attachment is formed, it becomes traumatic to break them.
You're right that we have to help parents in trouble--be they first parents or adoptive parents or relatives who are parenting--so that permanent solutions are not applied to temporary problems. But that is not the same thing as disrupting an adoption four years in, involving a child who is at a developmental stage where she is learning to separate from her parents, and the thought of their disappearing is the most terrifying thing possible.
But all of this is why family law is so incredibly complicated. Not to mention life.
And I think Thanksgivingmom highlights another aspect of this whole thing. It sounds like she could have had financial and other support from her parents had she asked for it, so it was something else that caused her to choose adoption for her Cupcake. The point is to provide services so that parents aren't forced into decisions against their will. Some will still feel that their children are better off in an adoption, and that needs to be a safe choice, too, otherwise there is no choice.
Thanks for letting us see your thought process. It's provoking (in a good way.)
Xanny
I always enjoy seeing from your points of view.
You ask some very difficult questions. It really shows how complex an issue adoption is.
really interesting post, andy. so many complexities.
I absolutely agree that expectant parents should be given the support and services they need to make parenting a viable option. there is something very wrong in our society when a woman is precluded from becoming a parent simply because she lacks sufficient resources.
that said, I also believe that adoption should remain a viable option when there are other reasons for placement. personally, I think it would be very difficult for me to accept a placement that was based solely on economics.
thanks for sharing your unique perspective.
Thanks for all your great comments! I too believe that adoption should still be out there as an option for people. I just don't want them to think that it's the only option if that is truly not what they want to do.
There really are no easy answers in any of this.
I'm not an adoptive parent nor have I "given up" (I dislike that term, but I can't think of another that fits) a child for adoption, however I am one of the "Young unmarried woman who don't make gobs of money and live in a small apartment" who made the decision to raise my child on my own.
My son now is 18 and I wouldn't change my decision to raise him for anything in the world. I have had a few people tell me I was "selfish" for not putting him up for adoption and "he could have led a much better life" with a "better" family. I don't think he could have done any better in another situation. I did have a LOT of help from my family so I could go to school and work, and have a place for us to live. I feel very fortunate that we are not a "statistic".
I believe that I am proof that yes, you CAN be low-income and raise your child to be a wonderful adult. Using finances as an 'excuse' doesn't cut it for me.
On the other hand, if my situation were different, if I wasn't physically able to care for my son, I probably would have allowed him to be raised by a different family, but it would have had to have been a permanent situation to do that, not a temporary one.
I applaud people who choose to adopt, however I don't (how do I word this.....) "respect" those who "give up" their children because of a temporary situation that could easily be remedied in the future.
Andy, thank you so much for this post. I just found your blog and I remember you from soul of adoption (but you had a different name?)
I think about my daughters adoptive mom and I really think (but I haven't been there) it's hugely devastating to know that your childs "other mother" would be able to parent and may have in fact realized that herself and regrets the adoption.
I not only want to protect adoptees and bioparents from the loss, but we should be protecting adoptive parents from being put in this position also.
Professionals involved in handling adoption SHOULD be advocating to do everything possible to prevent it before it happens.
But ah well. Blech.
-Roxanol
I completely understand where your coming from. However I do live on the other side of this story As I am a birthmom. The reasons for my adoption may give some clarity to some of the misconceptions of reasons as to which adoption is a great decision. My adoption decision was not an easy one. I grew up with a split family and my childhood was not up to par by no means. When I had my first child I was just getting ready to graduate from highschool and I was very unsure as to how I was going to raise a child with no job or support system. As growing up me and my sister raised ourselves pretty much and we missed out on alot of stuff growing up so with being pregnant I had doubts. But with all that I decided I am going to do this I am going to raise him to be a mature responsible person and therefor it began I was a mother. For the fist couple years I did not work but I made sure that my child would have what he needs and deserves as a little gentleman. Then when all became a little calm and schedules put in place I decided to go to work to better all our lives. I sruggled with trying to leave my child with sitters and not driving them crazy calling every 5 minutes to make sure my child was ok. Then shortly after I started my job I became pregnant. All old fears and thoughts resurfaced. Then I found myself where I was trying so hard not to be I am going to be a single mom of two children with no job and no support system. So after 6 months of carrying my second child and struggling with deep feelings of doubt I actually sat down and thought of how my childrens life will be in 2 years. Well all I thought about was me and my sister struggling to find ourselves amongest our peers and so called family. This is where the decisions come in to factor. Maybe I could do it. Maybe god would send me and angel to help me. Maybe he wouldnt. I have one question would anyone let there child wander somewhere with a 50/50 chance of them being ok. This is how I felt. Maybe it was finances maybe it was support and maybe it was just fear. Whatever the reason I wanted to make sure my children would be better than just fine I wanted them to be happy and I know your thinking well you separated two siblings. Well Yes I did. And they are both very well taken care of and Happy and in my eyes thats better than just fine. In the end god sent me my angels and my second child is in there arms with love and support. I think about him daily and dream about him nightly and fight off the regrets because I know in my heart I changed 3 peoples lives for the better with one selfless decision. My child and His 2 angels.
For the record I don't begrudge anyones opinions as per adoption. I only have a one sided opinion I have no idea what its like to be on the other side and I dont think I have a right to assume what others feel as I have not walked in there shoes. So this is for all birthmoms and adoptive moms god bless all for anyone who can open there heart to this kind of change is a very great person.
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