If you've spent any amount of time reading adoption boards, you have probably run into the topic of open adoptions becoming closed. Most often we are hearing about it from a first mom's point of view. How she was promised an open adoption - regular visits, updates, pictures - and how once the adoption was legally finalized, POOF, the openness is gone. No more updates, visits not being scheduled, and in some extreme cases the adoptive family has even moved, never to be found again. The first moms' are posting looking for support, ideas on how to approach the adoptive family and just a place to vent.
Occasionally you hear the adoptive parent's side of things - it's too confusing for the child, it's interrupting our life, we all need to move on. They are also posting looking for support, and depending on the type of board it is, they may very well get it. (I've personally stopped frequenting those types of boards any more because they make my blood boil.) Usually they are looking for others to help justify their actions. To me, if you need some internet stranger to help you decide if what you are doing is right, chances are, that deep down, you know it isn't. But that's just me.
As always, the one side that is not being heard from is the adoptees themselves. Now it could be that most of them are still too young to be dealing with the emotional issues of an open adoption becoming closed, since open adoptions are pretty new. Or, if their adoption was one that was closed very quickly, maybe they never knew that they were supposed to have contact with their first families and believe that theirs has always been a closed adoption. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next few years as these kids grow up discover the truth. What will they have to say about it?
There is another scenario that can occur, one that you do hear about, but not as often. And it is this scenario that we fall into with Liam's adoption. We, (Hilary and I, the adoptive parents) want a fully open adoption. We want visits, letters and pictures exchanged, chit-chatty phone calls or emails. This was the "plan" before Liam was born and we were working out the details with his mom. (yes we had a pre-birth match, something that if I knew what I knew today, I would never have considered)
Right after Liam was born we lost contact with her for about 4 years, re-established contact for about 1.5 years and have not heard from her in the past year. (I think I know some of the reasons for why she has stopped contact - mostly it being too hard emotionally for her.)
The struggle now is how to reach out again? We promised, as part of the adoption agreement, to send letters and pictures at a minimum of twice a year. We continue to do that and will continue to do it because that is what we agreed to. But is it fair for us to keep pushing for more contact, or to hear back from her? Are we doing it for us or for Liam? I think that right now it is for me more then anyone. Being an adoptee who has gone through reunion and all the secrets and emotional roller coasters that reunion entails, I want to protect Liam from that. Liam is mostly oblivious to adoption right now. He hasn’t brought it up on his own since last summer when he declared that he missed “K”. I wonder if he doesn’t bring it up because he is okay with it right now, or because “K” is no longer someone we communicate regularly with and he notices the absence. How much is me pushing my emotions and baggage from my adoption into his?
Are there any other adoptive parents out there in this type of situation? What have you done to overcome it? First moms – what would you suggest? How much pushing is too much?
To me, this is the grey area that would make legalizing open adoptions sticky. I wouldn’t want to be in a position of FORCING “K’ into having contact. Because really? What good would that do anyone?
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7 comments:
Thank you so much for blogging about this. It is probably my biggest concern with adoption. We really want any adopted children in our home to grow up knowing and having some kind of relationship with their families. It worries me that we can sign up for that, only to have others walk away. I'm really looking forward to seeing what other people have done in this situation.
We've heard that in our program, most of the time, even after they've requested an open adoption, birth families don't want contact once they know the baby is safe and happy. I understand, but I would still be disappointed.
I really hope K comes back into your life.
I so value posts like this. In a small way, it gives me a glimpse into my kids' unspoken thoughts, perhaps?
But who knows, as you say. I struggle not to assign to them what I *think* they feel based on something I've read about another's experience.
I am emailing you for something more indepth.
I hope Liam gets what he needs from K, and I hope K is able to give it.
I have a friend that had her DD birthmom drop from the picture...for a number of years. Every year she did the same thing she did the first two years of full on contact...she held up as much of their end of the 'deal' that she could. She sent pictures and papers DD had done and she sent DD full birth sister that was being parented gifts for birthdays and Christmas...she did it all as if they still had a really open relationship..the only thing that was missing was the hands on contact. But DD is young and could not do a lot of this for herself so my friend just thought of it as her responsibility and continued doing it. 6 months ago contact resumed on birthmoms contact with said friend. The contact is limited but it did resume. I know you probably know this story as I am not going into great depth. Just know that I am hoping that Liam is able to get what he needs and wants from K and that she can do what he needs from her when he needs it. That time could come any day and year or never.
Our daughter came to us one year ago and we lost contact with her birth parents after a few months. At the placement last winter, we had agreed to meet in the coming FAll, but by then we weren't getting any response from the birth family at all. We gently mentioned the meeting in letters twice to no avail.
We continue to send brief letters and pictures every 4 months, but only intend to mention in-person meetings every 6-8 months, give or take. The last thing we want to do it push them further away.
FWIW, I'm still new to my open adoption relationship and I'm still getting comfortable with the process. I feel strongly that my daughter needs and deserves a connection to her birth family and that its my job to do my best to make that happen.
I am an adoptive parent who adopted a relative. One benefit to babe and I sharing the same bio family is I can get updates on his mother from our other relatives, other than just her. I get to see the bigger picture as far as how her life is, how she is. And when we visit he being around her is more organic rather than forced. Even within one's own bio family you cannot force relationships to happen. The other side of opening up a close adoption is, you cannot do it without Liam's mother's participation.
My view is that what makes for an open adoption is the child gets to see his first parents and grandparents, cousins et cetera...child is not kept away from other relatives. Having my child around his relatives keeps things from being intense. Case in point, babe's first mother isn't a talkative chatty person but she will most definitely talk with us when we talk with her or ask her a question and have a natural conversation. She around babe is very intuitive to how he is feeling...for her and him it happens organically.
I think the element of emails and letters creates alot of distance that can breed misconceptions and misunderstandings on what to expect from each other--aparent and the child's first parent(s). Both parties and even including the child do not get the benefit of seeing each other in person, seeing each other's faces.
If I did not have the family and relatives letting me know how babe's mother is and if I was entirely dependent on babe's mother to fill us in on everything, we would not hear from her very often if at all.
Why?
She has a computer that is shitty. It breaks down, doesn't work properly. If she can get to her emails she cannot open them and view photos.
In our last conversation, she asked me to send her photos and explained the computer problems she's been having as she cannot get photos.
If I was going to open a closed adoption, I would do it in person...I would have the mother tell me in person whether she is ok with it or not. I would go alone and talk with her...because you cannot have openness without honesty.
You cannot have openness if your chlid's mother has any conflicts with her own family's view or understanding of adoption and what she did--relinquished.
Babe and I can talk about his mother with each other, but also his grandmother, aunts have the freedom to speak her name too. She isnt a secret amongst his extended bio family. Babe recently got a book from his mother and grandmother--that openness happens only because family is open to it and informed.
Babe is not a secret. And if there is not openness, it is because of secrets that need to be addressed as adults without the child around, and openness can only result from the participation of both sets of adults--adoptive and bio.
You do what it takes to find out the truth, then you will know whether openness will be something that Liam's mother will participate in with you and H.
I really like the idea of meeting up face to face and working things out. Right now because of weather and location that is not going to happen, but maybe this summer it could.
I have tried my best to educate myself on OA. I know the benefits and logically I know that having me around will be best for Cupcake. If she has questions, I can help her Mom answer them. I can be there for her and be a positive person in her life.
And yet.....there are days when the thought of falling off the face of the planet sounds just as good. Why am I REALLY in her life? Does she REALLY need me? Is my presence just a painful reminder to her that I left her at a hospital?
I don't want to cause her pain...and some days, I'm terrified that my presence will do just that.
Being a first parent in an OA IS hard, absolutely. And sometimes, I need the conversation about why I'm doing it to be about me. I need to hear from someone - other than my first mom friends - that I AM important to Cupcake. Sometimes I think I need to hear it from her Mom....that I have value as a person in their lives. That I'm not an obligation, or something that Dee puts up with because it's best for Cupcake, but something that she WANTS to engage in.
I think beyond the pictures and update about Liam twice a year, I would try to say how much you hope she's doing well and how much you'd love to have contact when/if she's ready. (Of course, you may already be saying this, I don't know :) ) I just know that if Dee were to say that I had value, it would mean a great deal to me.
I hope for Liam you're able to establish a relationship with her somewhere down the line. ((((Hugs)))
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