I can think of at least 2 things that are a big part of who I am today that would be different if I had not been adopted.
- I would not have been raised Catholic. While I no longer consider myself Catholic, or more specifically consider myself atheist now, being raised Catholic still has life long consequences.
- I would not be bilingual. Having French as a second language has opened many doors for me over the years in my career. I also identify with the French-Canadian culture because of my French upbringing.
So would I have still been a lesbian if Iris had raised me?
I honestly believe that YES, I would still be a lesbian. For me, being gay was not a choice. I didn't weigh the pros and cons and decide "What the Hell? Let's go meet some girls." I first realized that I was a lesbian when I was 19 and had my first girlfriend when I was 21. When I was 23 I did date (not really date...., but we can call it that right?) men. I think I did it in part to see what all the fuss was about. Would it really change my mind (as straight men will often try to convince lesbians!) ? Ummmm.... NO. Certainly didn't change my mind!
I'm my case there are also some pretty strong arguments for both Nurture and Nature for my being gay. I have 2 gay uncles in my adoptive family. They are only 8 and 10 years older then I am, so we were very close growing up. I started hanging out in gay bars with them when I was 16 (2 years before I identified as a lesbian). Of course, they were male gay bars, so they didn't have much influence in exposing me to the lesbian world.
On the Nature side, since reuniting with Iris I have found out that one of my father's children is also a lesbian. Is there a genetic link to being gay? Maybe..... At the very least, Iris was not at all surprised that I was a lesbian.
Adoption does change a lot of things about who that child will grow up to be. It can change names, religions, languages, countries, financial circumstances and exposures to things around you.
But it does not change the core of who you are.
3 comments:
so interesting.
I love the last line!
I have to admit I laughed at this:
"I didn't weigh the pros and cons and decide "What the Hell? Let's go meet some girls." "
Like Luna, I love your last line.
And also, that it is what it is. What is the value of knowing what percent of the trait is nature and what percent is nurture, even if it were possible to know?
Hello Andy, Your post really grabbed me. Perhaps by the end of this you will know why. As I write...I dont know precisely why...but sometimes you can feel when someone is talking at you (me) and there are no filters as to who we are. It then becomes a safe place to play with some new ideas. I am a person who does a lot of 'what ifs'. I wonder and frequently I get into trouble when the 'what ifs' begin to escalate into assumptions...usually they are assumptions that other people are responsible for my sadness. So NOW I have a new 'Pal' and I have myself and both of us remind me to focus on the 'it is what it is'.
The adoption experience is part of my life. If it had not occured what would be different. I am totally in agreement with your last two statements. I do not think it changes the core of who you are-but it might change your finanacial circumstances or your exposure to more than one language etc etc.
Would sexual preference have changed within our scenario...of the parties involved? I do not know. One question I might ask myself is...does it make a difference. If you are gay/lesbian or if you are not. I think that the second part of my life has pretty much firmed up the values that my parents initiated. Gay or straight, it really doesnt matter. It just is what you are. Sure maybe if your talents use your right brain more frequently than not and you are in a predominant left brain family. Maybe you will have confusion as to who and what to identify with. Or the reverse. But I think we are what we are....and we discover this....it is what we call our evolution.
So thank you. I have been thinking nonstop for 20 months about what might have been and what is. Conversations such as your post have kept me growing and moving through the more difficult times-so that I can focus on the joy of my reunion.
I am a birth mother. I had one child...a son born in 1966. He was adopted into a family who could give him love, a name, unbelievable education and most of all flexibility to pursue his dream...even though it didnt pay all the bills initially. Everything they gave him, I could not-except love and that was going his way all these 43 years. He leans toward the right (brain), is most creative, and his adoptive family did not have the same inclinations. He is an actor. He is a psychologist. And most of all he is the kindest most compassionate man I have ever met. He is gay...and when we first 're' met he shared this with me in his second email. I already knew. He is what he is.
Thanks Andy from Canada who has a beautiful son,
Jacquelyn from Kaneohe Hawaii
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