Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Procrstinating

procrastinate

Definition

to put off doing (something unpleasant or burdensome) until a future time; esp., to postpone (such actions) habitually


I am normally not a procrastinator. If something needs to be done, I like to do it now otherwise it nags at me until I get to it. I don't let my inbox go above 10, I clear my sent items as soon as I send something, I put stuff away when I'm done with it (Hilary can stop rolling her eyes now - Yes I put it away, No it's not usually where it's supposed to go, but that's another post!). I return phone calls right away.

Yet, I cannot get myself to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and write an update letter to "K". It's not because it is unpleasant or burdensome like the definition implies. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Liam provides us with at least one funny anecdotal story a day and he has hit a few note worthy milestones of late.

It is the fear of the unknown. "K" stopped communicating with us 6 months ago and I don't know why. Did I say or do something that hurt her? Is her grief too much for her to bear right now so she is protecting herself? Does she feel that everyone would be better off if this was a closed adoption? Will an update letter help her or hurt her?

How do you write a letter to someone when you don't know where their head and heart is? Do I address her silence? Do I acknowledge her grief? Or do I just gaily forge ahead with how amazing, happy and healthy Liam is, focusing the entire letter just on him?

Hilary and I made a commitment when we adopted Liam that we would keep "K" updated with a minimum of 2 letters a year. And we faithfully did that, even thought for the first 3 years they just sat in a box at the agency as we did not know how to contact her. And then we did find an email and our contact was much more relaxed and chatty. So we didn't need to do bi-annual updates since we were chatting real time about day to day stuff.

Now we are back to needing to send them and it's hard.

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