Letter to Liam's Mom

Every day I look at your picture. A beautiful black and white shot where your eyes are so clear that I feel like I can see your soul. And then I look across the room and see those exact same eyes staring back at me. Only this time in colour.... wonderful shades of bright blues and grays. And I feel a wave of sadness come over me.

Sadness for you: For feeling that you had no choice but to make the decision you did five and half years ago. For having never once held your son. For having never heard his laughter when he is tickled - deep booming laughs that can consume him. For feeling that you can't be a part of his life right now. For not knowing how to tell his brother about him. For all the hurts and pains that this beast called adoption has caused you and will continue to cause you.

Sadness for Liam: Because he doesn't know you, has never been held by you. Because he is so proud to have a brother and sister that he tells everyone he meets, but he has never met his brother and sister. Because he is starting to truly understand this beast called adoption and I know that the hard questions and the tears are not long in coming. Because he deserves to have you as part of his life. Because I love him so very much that I want to protect him from every hurt, but I can't.

Sadness for me: Because I too have felt these sadness's and hurts for so many years now. Because I remember being Liam's age and starting to understand this beast called adoption and I remember my own pain. Because I cannot reach out to my own mother and my sister and I don't ever want Liam to have to go through this, but I know that he might.

How I wish I could erase the sadness, fix the hurts and make it all better. Alas, I cannot. I can dry the tears and hold Liam while he struggles to understand. I can send you letters and pictures and keep the door WIDE open so that when you are ready you can be a part of our lives. And I can continue to grow and learn and try to help others when I can. Because if a little of the sadness and hurt is soothed, even if for only a moment, then we can all work towards moving forward.