Wednesday, March 5, 2008

March 5, 2008 - Today's the day

that I try to tell my mom I love her.

Well that sounds pretty easy you say. And normally you would be right. But not in my case.

I don't think that I have ever told my mother "I love you". I've signed cards that way, ended letters with "Love Andy (or Andrea, since my mom won't call me Andy!) And chances are I said it to her when I was little, but I don't remember ever doing it, so it doesn't count.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure why this is so hard for me. Is it adoption related? Is it just that we are an emotionally dysfunctional family? Is it something specific about my relationship with her?

I don't think it is adoption related. But that's the rub when you are an adoptee. Everything that comes up in life you have to examine through your adoptee lens first to see if that may be the cause.

Once upon a time, when I was a teenager (<18) my mom and I were very close. But even then, we were not close in a share you inner thoughts and bare your sould way. We would go out for lunch together, we shop together, go see musicals.

Then there was the "big rift". My parents assumed that I was a lesbian! GASP!!! (as we all know, it turns out they were right, I just didn't know it at the time!) and they kicked me out of the house. I realized even then, that it was my father who was behind all of this. After all, 2 of Mom's brothers are gay and no one seemed to have a problem with them.

So I went about 5 years without speaking to either of them, before slowly the rift closed and we reconnected. Now, we are close again, in the same way of course. We talk on the phone at least once a week, Mom comes out to visit us once a year, we go there once a year (we live 3 provinces apart). She adores Hilary and they get along great. She worships Liam and has embraced Grandmotherhood with gusto. They seem to have gotten over the "gay thing", even my father.

So today, when she calls so that we can finalize the plans of my trip home, I'm going to try.

"thanks Mom, I'll talk to you later. Love you!"

Phew... just thinking about it is making me stressed!
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